Captain Crimson and the Fabled Comb of Captain Red

Captain Crimson stares through his spyglass at the jungle island ahead of him. The lush isle stretches out before him, and the chatter of jungle life rings across the wave. The island sprouts out of the middle of the ocean. A once-fearsome volcano now lying dormant towers over the surrounding island. Crimson spies an outcropping off the side of the volcano and a partially overgrown cave mouth opened up on the side of the cave. Crimson snaps his spyglass shut and turns around briskly, marching over to a map and picture stretched across the table next to the captain’s wheel. The picture showed an identical island and according to the map, the Mystic Wave should be at the desired location.

“Aye boys, this be it!” crows Captain Crimson, grabbing the wheel aggressively, and angling the ship towards the jungle island ahead.

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The sound of conflict echo off the cave walls. Crimson and his crew advance down the dark hallway, hacking at every undead pirate who stands in the party’s way. A mob of six zombie pirates lumber toward the crew but Captain Crimson levels his colossal blunderbuss and lets off a blast of shrapnel in that direction, shredding the ghouls like undead barbecue. Captain Crimson strides forward through the mouth of the cave, entering a large cavernous room filled with mountains of gold and silver coins, jewels, gold china and utensils, jewel-encrusted tiaras, bands, bangles, and crowns, and all sorts of other treasures. A single straggling undead pirate rushes Captain Crimson, who dispatches the zombie with an overhead blow. Crimson pulls his sword back from the undead corpse that fell before him, but the blade comes back with the edge still wedged in the skull. Crimson shakes his sword briefly before swinging the sword into the cave wall, shattering the zombie skull.

The crew, realizing that nothing stands between them and the hoard of treasure that lie before them. Like children after a birthday being turned loose in a candy or toy store, the pirate crew tear into the cave. Literally swimming in gold and treasure, the pirate crew fails to see a pedestal resting high atop a mountain of treasure. Captain Crimson begins his ascent up the heap of riches. First-mate Cole, intrigued at the Captain’s singular focus, follows closely behind him. Crimson reaches the peak of the hill of treasure and stands over the pedestal, on which rests a small wooden box. Crimson reaches down and opens the box, revealing… a small wooden comb.

“All this, for a small wooden comb?” asks Cole.

“Yes, Cole, do you not realize what this is?” asks Captain Crimson incrediously. 

“A wooden comb?” repeats Cole, still obviously confused.

“Yes it is a wooden comb, but it’s the legendary Captain Red’s beard comb. The great Captain Red used this comb to distribute beard oil, butter, and balm into his wondrous beard,” says Crimson, the mystique of the artifact evident by the tone of the Captain’s voice. “He would take the oil, butter, or balm in his hand and message it into his beard, then he would then comb the product through his beard, making sure every hair was coated.”

A look of understanding flashes across Cole’s face, and he now gazes upon the comb with a new sense of wonder. Remnants of Captain Red’s personal beard oil still resonates from the comb, with a beautiful marriage of lime and coconut wafting into the two pirates’ noses.

“I wonder why combs are made of wood and not metal or plastic,” wonders Cole.

“Well, first thing is that wood combs resist static electricity that can make your beard frizzy and hair will stick up. Static electricity can also damage your hair follicles over time. Wood is also durable. Plastic combs can be brittle and get tiny cracks and jagged edges it that create big problems when those cracks and jagged edges grab onto your coarse beard hair and damage your beard hair. Another great benefit is that wood is porous, which means that it soaks up beard oils and sebum. Then, each time you comb your beard, you’re reintroducing that nourishing oil back into your beard. A good wooden beard comb will keep your beard shining brightly,” says Crimson astutely.

“And now that I have Red’s legendary comb, how even glorious my beard shall become,” cries Captain Crimson in victory.

Narrated by Brandon Warner