How to Trim a Beard by Captain Crimson

How to Trim a Beard by Captain Crimson

Captain Crimson looks through his spyglass, seeing a man laid out on the beach. “Cole,” calls Crimson, “that be him?” First mate Cole takes the spyglass and shakes his head affirmatively, “that’s him.”

The Mystic Wave drops anchor and a landing crew launches to the shore. Captain Crimson walks across the beach to the poor marooned man. His shadow falls across the poor vagabond’s face. The castaway’s eyes open squinting up at the Captain.

“Hello? Who… who are you?” says the man, before passing out. Crimson rolls his eyes and calls, “Come get him and put him in the boat, bring him back to the ship!”

Cole reaches down and grabs the man saying, “Come on brother, we’ll get you home.”


Cole’s brother awakes with a start, sitting up in his hammock. He looks around and sees Crimson is sitting in the corner.

“You’re lucky you have such a dedicated brother,” says Crimson. “Well, it was the first crew that gave me a chance,” answers Cole’s brother, defending himself. “It was almost your last too,” retorts Crimson, “No matter, clean yourself up, we’re nearly back to port.”

Cole’s brother stands up and walks over to the washing pan, staring at himself through the looking glass. A bushy beard has sprung up during his internment on the island.

“I’ve never had a beard before,” says the Cole’ brother, “I may keep it, but I can’t stand all of this bushiness.”

The castaway grabs a chunk of beard and draws his knife.

“WHOA THERE SAILOR,” bellows Captain Crimson, “You can’t just cut at your beard all willy-nilly!”

“First,” begins Crimson, “You should let your beard grow at least a full month. You’ll want the lass’ at the tavern to wonder whether your new bearded chin is a work in progress, or just you being a lazy scallywag. I’d say you’ve been on that island for long enough, so I’d say to start taking out the wild hairs, the ones that grow straight out like the scraggly hair on a coconut. You should know what that looks like.”

The castaway nods his head in agreement.

Crimson continues, “Then you need to shape your beard. This is where you define your beard. My barber uses a straight razor, but I’ve seen the Inventor use an automatic electric beard trimmer. However, you want to focus on three lines: cheek line, back line, and neck line.”

The castaway reaches for a piece of stationary and begins to take down notes.

“The cheek line is where the bulk of your beard starts. The backline is where your sideburn hair connects to the hair that runs down your chin. You can square it off, or round it off. It’s really a matter of preference,” finishes Crimson before taking a large breath. A serious look crosses Crimson’s face.

“Now this is important,” says Crimson with a low but firm tone, “The neckline is the bottom of your beard, the part touching your neck. You do NOT want to trim it too far up your jawline. This will take the bravado from your beard. You typically want it right above the Adams apple. This will give you a fine beard! After that, maintenance with a pair of scissors for stray hairs and a dose of the Wizard’s concoctions should keep your beard looking fine indeed,” beams Crimson.


Narrated by Brandon Warner

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