The Distiller: 5 Alternate Uses for Beard Butter

The Distiller sits in the office of his distillery pouring over various recipe cards. The Distiller was looking for “the next big thing.” 

“What’s the next idea, what’s the next step…” mutters the Distiller to himself. His head is propped up in his hands, his dry elbows resting on the desk. The the material of his robe rubs the dry elbow causing some discomfort. The Distiller grimaces and pulls his sleeves back and reaches into his cabinet and pulls out a tub of beard butter. He dips his finger into the tub, drops a wad of butter into his hands, and begins to emulsify the butter. He rubs the butter onto his elbows and, like magic, the elbows begin to hydrate and the cracked skin begins to mend.

Suddenly, the Distiller’s apprentice walks in and stares at the Distiller, flummoxed.

“Sir, what in the world are you doing?” asks the Distiller’s apprentice incredulously.

“Boy, have I not told you of the incredible uses for beard butter?” says the Distiller enthusiastically.  “Well first, that newborn at home could use beard butter for diaper rash.”

The Distiller’s apprentice stares at the Distiller, unsure if he heard him correctly. “Diaper rash?”

“Diaper rash,” confirms the Distiller, “Basically beard butter and diaper rash cream serve the same purpose: to reduce skin irritation. Many ingredients are shared between the two products, and so you do not have to worry about using harsh chemicals. I would suggest, however, that you use non-scented beard butter to avoid further irritation.”

“Amazing,” marvels the Distiller’s apprentice.

“And that’s not the only irritation that beard butter can deal with. If you shave your neck, your head, or if your lass shaves her legs, you could always slap some beard butter on there to reduce irritation,” continues the Distiller.

“That makes sense, considering what it does with diaper rash,” agrees the Distiller’s apprentice.

“That’s right, and along with that it also works with moisturizing dry, cracked skin, as you saw me demonstrate as you so brashly entered my office,” says the Distiller in a bright and cheery tone.

The Distiller’s apprentice nods his head enthusiastically until he realized what the Distiller said. When the apprentice’s face drops the Distiller roars with laughter swatting his arm, lightening the mood once more.

“For the same reason it is good for your skin, it’s also useful for chapstick if you are in a pinch,” explains the Distiller. “One time I was on travel out in the western realms, and the air was so dry my lips started to crack. I had forgotten my chapstick at home, but fortunately I encountered a generous Leprechaun who gifted me some of his beard butter to help me out.”

“It sounds like you can do just about anything with beard butter,” replies the Distiller’s apprentice. He stares at the Distiller unsure if he is messing with him still or if he’s being serious.

“You can even condition your dog’s paw pads,” says the Distiller slyly.

“No,” says the Distiller’s apprentice unbelievingly.

“Oh yes,” says the Distiller, “Dogs that spend a lot of time outdoors can get dry and cracked pads. If it is good for our skin it has to be helpful for their’s as well.”

“There must be limitless uses for beard butter,” marvels the Distiller’s apprentice.

“Perhaps,” muses the Distiller, “perhaps…”

Narrated by Brandon Warner