The Hero's Beard Butter Conundrum

The sun sits high in the sky as the Hero breezes into a new town. After many days and nights on the hot and dusty road, the Hero is ready to tie up his horse, loosen his saddlebags, and stay somewhere for a while. And this town seems to be the ‘somewhere’ he was looking for. The streets were bustling with people going to a fro, busy but not too busy. The storefronts look well taken care of, and the sidings of all the buildings seem to have been recently painted. The Hero pulls in front of the town’s inn and ties up his horse.

He’s pulling his saddlebags off the horse’s rump when he looks up and sees the most gorgeous lass he’s ever seen in his life. Wavy red hair falls tumbles down from the crown of the woman’s head like an auburn waterfall pouring down from the crown of her head. Dazzling green eyes shine in the dying day’s light. Like the rolling hills the Hero had traversed, the woman’s figure is a series of gentle, yet voluptuous curves. Her slender figure gracefully waltzes down the boardwalk toward the Hero. 

“Excuse me ma'am,” the Hero’s low voice dripping with sweetness and debonair, “I’m new to town and I was wondering if you could tell me where a weary traveler could find a cold drink, warm food, and fine company?”

“Well, the liveliest place would be The Spooked Mare down the street to the right. It’s a popular place and the food is the best you will find in this town.”

“That sounds like an oasis after riding so long, however, I’m afraid being new to this town your directions may be… inadequate,” says the Hero with an air of feigned concern and innocence.

The woman gives the Hero a flirty glance and a sly grin, having caught onto the Hero’s ploy. “I could come by later this afternoon and accompany you there. There may be a fee of course…”

“How about dinner and a drink?” offers The Hero.

“That’ll be a good start,” says the woman winking at the Hero and continuing walking down the road.

The Hero watches her leave and then runs into the inn. He quickly checks into a room and is led upstairs to his room. He drops his saddlebags and runs into the washroom to wash his face. He scrubs really quick and then applies some tobacco and cologne-scented beard oil, before putting on a new button-up shirt and breeches. After allowing the beard oil to absorb, he reaches for his beard butter. 

“Egad,” groans the Hero as he sees that the heat of the day has melted his beard butter in the jar, leaving it with a strange, gritty consistency. The Hero, desperate to be on his best beard game, runs downstairs. A single man, a Scribe, reclining in a chair, writing in a journal.

“Sir, sir, sir,” stammers the Hero, “My beard butter has melted and I need it tonight.”

“Ahh yes,” answers the Scribe, “You should visit the Baker, he can help you…”

The Hero was out the door before the Scribe could finish his sentence.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The bell of the door of the bakery peels as the Hero runs into the bakery. The Baker turns around to see the exhausted Hero jog up to the bar. The only other patron in the Bakery was, to the Hero’s surprise, the Inventor. He was browsing the Baker’s bon bons.

“Sir, sir,” says the Hero, “I’ve been told you can fix my beard butter. Please, I implore you, I need it quick.”

“Well that is quite a simple fix,” laughs the Baker, “I will throw it in my oven for 10-15 second intervals until it melts back into its liquid state. You want to be careful not to melt the container that the butter comes in. It would be especially helpful if you had a machine that would rapidly heat objects for short periods of time or something like that…” 

“Mhmmm,” mumbles the Inventor to himself, turning and walking out of the bakery like a sudden urge has struck him. 

The Baker continues, “When it starts to turn to a liquid, I’ll stir it with a toothpick until it is completely melted and mixed. Then, I can throw it into my ice room for an hour and it will reset like new!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

An hour later the Hero leaves the bakery with his beard butter in hand.

“Thank you so very much for your help, Baker!” says the Hero as he turns to thank the Baker. “I’d love to stay, but I have a date!”

Narrated by Brandon Warner