The Blizzard

The Blizzard

Santa, Snazzyflakes, and Teddy stand outside the gaping cave entrance. Snazzyflakes holds a pair of low-light binoculars, staring into the cave.

“I don’t see anyth’ng, Santa,” says Snazzyflakes.

“Oh, he’s in there alright,” says Teddy in a low growl.

Almost as if on cue, the grounds begin to shake. Barely noticeable at first, the ground starts to rumble lightly, puffs of snow jumping off the ground, progressing to the tremors of an earthquake. Out of the mouth of the cave slides The Blizzard.

The Blizzard stands at a towering 20 feet tall. His beady red eyes peer out from under a tophat that is black as coal, adorned with a piece of holly. The most prominent feature of the frosted fiend is the razor-sharp ice claws and needle-like peppermint teeth. 

The monstrous snowman moves at unreal speed, his frozen base allowing him to move like a high-speed glacier. A high-speed glacier that is barreling right toward Santa, Snazzyflakes, and Teddy. 

Snazzyflakes fires at the Blizzard before diving out of the path of the frosty colossus. The scattershot of hard candy barely scratches the Blizzard’s icy exterior. Santa pulls the trigger of his toy cannon. A present flies out of the barrel at high velocity, hitting the Blizzard square in the face… to no effect.


The Blizzard stares at Santa and scowls. It fails to see the grenade bounce and settle right at his base. The grenade explodes, blasting a chunk of the Blizzard’s base. Teddy follows his grenade with a burst from his peppermint mini-gun.


Hundreds of sharpened candy canes stick in the Blizzard, but the hardened body of the Blizzard prevents the projectiles from causing significant damage. The Blizzard looks at Teddy, takes a deep breath, and then exhales a freezing gust of wind, freezing Teddy in his place. Even the projectiles firing from Teddy’s minigun are frozen, suspended in mid-air. 

Santa watches in despair, but his gaze hardens and he grits his teeth, pulling the trigger of his toy cannon again. This time a baseball bat flies long way out of the toy cannon and buries itself in the left eye-socket. The Blizzard roars and swipes at Claus, snagging his sack of toys. The Blizzard pulls Santa off the ground and holds him up to its face. The Blizzard opens his jaws, moving to throw Santa in.


A thunderous boom is followed by a piercing whistle. Suddenly, the Blizzard’s head explodes. Santa falls to the ground, landing softly in a pile of snow. The rest of the Blizzard body begins to float away in the form of snowflakes in the wind, until the only thing left of the Blizzard is the tophat. Santa looks out over the frozen shoreline to see a large ship pushing its way through the ice.

“Is that… a pirate ship?” asks Snazzyflakes.


“Well, I’m just glad I could help Mr. Claus,” says Captain Crimson clapping Santa on the back as he walks him back to the Mystic Wave, “Make yourself at home aboard my ship, and we’ll rendezvous with Jingleman and the rest of your crew with Sleigh 2.”

“When I heard Jingleman send out the distress call for support, I knew I couldn’t not help THE Santa Claus,” continues Crimson.

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with your status on the naughty list would it,” asks Claus.

“Oh of course not,” exclaims Crimson, “Can’t someone just help a person in need?”

A few moments of silence pass before being broken once again by Captain Crimson, “But it surely couldn’t hurt could it?”

“No, I suppose it couldn’t,” concedes Claus.


Narrated by Brandon Warner

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Joseph Rosario

I enjoy cruising your store. This is the only beard product site I can easily spend an hour looking at and choosing product.
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